Bust out those comically oversized sunhats and paper-thin parasols, young lovers—spring is finally upon us! Multicolored flowers have sprung into full bloom, droves of beautiful butterflies and short-tempered bees are abuzz, and the kernels of love are a-cracklin’ like a big pot of Jiffy Pop, purchased at the Convenience Store of Consummation and dangled gingerly over the Stovetop of Intimacy.
Yes, spring has long been my favorite season, and it warms the depths of my downy heart to see so many folks take those first tentative baby steps towards nurturing relationships, all with their tentative little baby feet. Too often does togetherness get the short-shrift in the seasonal grand scheme, so let’s embrace this opportunity before the doldrums of winter are back upon us! That’s right—it’s time to get out and meet some new people with the help of…
1. Ain’t No Party Like a Party With Several People in Attendance
Out of the countless parties and “par-tays” that I’ve crashed since I was a wee chicklet, I’ve found the get-togethers with more than one person to be the most successful. What’s that? You’re staying in on a perfectly good Friday night? Girl, what’chu talkin’ ‘bout, with your CSI, warm blanket, and bottle of decent red wine—close that Netflix tab and go get your mingle on! We’ve got three months of stunning spring weather to celebrate, and those semen-encrusted crime scene corpses will be waiting when you get back.
2. The Night is Young, and Youth is Fleeting
Despite what the cryogenically preserved starlets that haunt Hollywood’s boutiques and beauty parlors might lead you to believe, you’re only young once! And besides, who wants to do Jello shots and listen to Ludacris rap about asses of varying sizes when they’re all old and nasty, and, like, in a wheelchair whilst offering their grandkids raisins from the warm plastic baggie in their purse? What, you can afford all that heart medicine, but you can’t splurge on a pack of Gobstoppers?!
3. Bring a Wingman
Sure, anyone and everyone can “hook up” if they just lower their standards enough and abandon their moral compasses, but the Mighty Cockblock’s about much more than getting his beak wet, so to speak. Take it from me: The only commitment that a night-long fling will bring is committing your genitals to a hefty helping of crab medication. Because you’ll probably get crabs. Instead, howsabout we take this slow, invite that fine honey back to your pad, dim the lights real low, boot up The English Patient on Blu-ray, and all three of us share a jumbo-sized bowl of trail mix while we learn a little something about raw emotion.
Awww yeah, now that’s what I call a stellar spring. Until next time, Cockblock Comrades!