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Monthly Archives: December 2012
The Year of Cockblock Cheer
12/30/2012 · CATEGORY: Announcements · BY:

Happy Holidays from Mighty Cockblock. I’m here to lay down what’s up in this hoohaa.

So our year is ending and the next one has begun. Its been ten months of Cockblock blogging fun and its been great. Running a blog is harder then I thought, but these days what isnt right? There are still a lot of holes in the blog but we will get those calked up next year. So far however I must give a big thanks to all the readers who have been enjoying Cockblock.

And hey thanks to everyone who went and purchased a magical Cockblock Doll of your very own. We got a lot more orders then expected this year and as such some of you guys are waiting for your Cockblocks right this very moment with livid impatient hands. Hold tight because they are on their way!

We are pretty much out of the super rare limited edition brown ones too. The bad news is that this means I gotta take them off the website for order. If you want a brown one we still got some left but your gonna have to get them at the shows in person. The good news is we got lots more Cockblock magic planned up ahead so don’t miss out.

So thanks for the support! I am happy as a clam in jam and its great to not be bankrupt for 2012. See you guys next year!

Cheers,
Mighty Cockblock
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Quick Pic: Good Light
12/26/2012 · CATEGORY: Picture Time · BY:

Relaxing here basking in the sun like a cat.


Cockblock
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TIP OF THE COCKBLOCK: THE DO’S AND DON’TS OF ONLINE DATING
12/21/2012 · CATEGORY: Tip of the Cockblock · BY:

Whaddaya say, my roosterific compadres and fine feathered friends. Guess who’s dropped down from heaven on high to slather some steaming, sensual Relationship Schmear ™ on that broke ass bagel you call your love life? Me! Cockblock. It’s me, Cockblock, I’m back. Hello!

So, hey, let’s spit some real-real on the real really quick, for real: human interaction is hellllla lame. Like, making eye contact? Shaking hands? Engaging in small talk about jobs and apartments and the economy and whatnot in hopes of eventually stumbling on a conversational subject that doesn’t remind you of the terrible lingering inevitability that awaits us all at the end of our LifeQuest?

To quote a terrible person circa 1995: puh-leeze!

Heartfelt emotional conversations are so over. Now we have smartphones, bee-yooootch!



DO: MAKE A PROFILE ON EVERY SINGLE DATING WEBSITE EVER

OkCupid? Of course, stupid! J-Date? Why wait?! RedneckAndSingle? Quit ackin’ like you ain’t ready to mingle!

Look at it this way: if you were going fishing, would you have a better chance of catching a sexy-ass trout if you cast just one fishing line, or, like, eighty?! That’s a trick question, “playa” in ironic quotation marks – you ain’t gonna get you none if you don’t dangle yourself out there first and foremost. White and waspy? What’s stopping you from logging onto BlackPeopleMeet and tracking down the Nubian king of your dreams? Nothing. Nothing is stopping you except for your dated views on race relations. It’s 2012, sucka. We have a Samoan guy in the White House (I think??). Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson enjoys a multi-faceted and storied career in entertainment media. Racism has been done for, like, ever.

You racist.



DON’T: TRY TOO HARD

Nobody likes a square, and there’s nothing more geometrically resembling a square than acting like you’re actually interested in building a relationship with someone you’ve met on the Internet. Some fine-ass shawty just digitally wink at you? Pshhhshhsh; play it cool, son. Wait a full month before responding and even then, who’s to say you’re gonna call her by the right name? Not this guy, who’s telling you to do the exact opposite are you even listening to me dogg for real.

Women love a bit of mysteriousness in their would-be-suitors (citation: the honeys in my bed right now aw hell naww) so be more Batman than Bruce Wayne and watch the chickadees pile up, ya dig, dogg?



DO: PHOTOSHOP THE HELL OUT OF YOUR PICTURES

Oh hey, nice angled MySpace selfie you took in your tiny ass bathroom mirror.

“NOT!” Haha, good one, Cockblock!

Think of it this way, friend-o: if Burger King ran realistic photos of their slimy-ass cowstacks on billboards, how many Whoppers do you think they’d sell? Probably a whole lot because Whoppers are effin’ DELICIOUS but that’s totes beside the point.

Everyone has the same dating profile pics – at a bar with friends, outdoors at some scenic landmark or other, bawling openly while questioning the meaning of it all, at a bar with friends – but how many purported pick-up artists have shots of them pile-driving a dinosaur? It’s a market just waiting to be filled.



DON’T: OVERTHINK IT

Get your listening ears out, because ol’ Cocky-B is about to lay the truth out flat like a pancake or maybe a nice duvet. Or a rug? Yeah. A sick-ass oriental rug. Classy as hell in here.

Lads and ladies aren’t crazy about a turkey that tries too hard. OkCupid may be asking for “essays,” but that don’t mean you need to be scripting theses about your formative years growing up in some dumb- ass suburbia in South Dontmatternone. Give them the quick sell, like you walkin’-and-talkin’ in an Aaron Sorkin movie – razzle and dazzle them – then let them get really bored with the real you much later on. There’s a million fish in the sea, but trust me — none of them want to hear about your political views. Oh please, I’d love to hear about how you signed that medical marijuana petition back in ’09. TELL ME MORE, FREE-THINKER.



SO IN CONCLUSION

Get out there, get at them, and get gone the next day before it gets awkward and they’re asking you about “the future.” What does that even mean, “the future.” I don’t know, maybe we’ll be living in space colonies. Like I’m a damn psychic or something.

Anyway, until next time ‘round, muchachos!

Mighty Cockblock
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Cockblock Down the Line
12/15/2012 · CATEGORY: Announcements · BY:

The winter season is in full force but me and the Cockblocks got something special planed up for next year in our favorite overpriced frozen wonderland: San Francisco!

Word is our evil upstairs management Stitchmind Artworks has sent us to meet up with the Method Makers; a hardcore and awesome art collective that focuses on San Francisco creative talent.

Were working out the fixings right now but check back soon and maybe I will have some exciting news! Either that or maybe I will just have another wallpaper for you guys…

Cheers,
Mighty Cockblock
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Quick Pic: Meter Watching
12/05/2012 · CATEGORY: Picture Time · BY:

Hanging out at the parking meters!

Best,
Cockblock
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