A cursed toy with a conflicting purpose. A Cockblock doll can harness mystical powers of positive or negative. Will your Cockblock aid you in finding friendship and love, or plunge you and others into isolation and loneliness?
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The power of the CockBlock can now be yours to control! Get a enchanted Cockblock doll for yourself or a friend at the
Stitchmind Store.
Recent recon of the Stitch’s evil laboratory reveals that a new deadly Cockblock with spooooky magics is being concocted. They say its crafted from the finest shadow fibers. I have now idea what is going on over there but stay tuned for announcements. Your ol’ pal detective Mighty will get to the bottom of this frightening mystery.
We have had a fantastic art showing of artistic Cockblock artiseries these last few months at Hotel Des Arts, but now it is time to pack it up and move onto the next thing. Were are not done yet though my friends! The Method Makers have one last hurrah to delivers with a COCKBLOCK giveaway!
Look at that! all you have to do is go visit their facebook page and like stuff and they might just give you a free Cockblock Doll along with some other exclusives. Go check it out and don’t forget you still have a chance to take one last peak at the show if you are in the SF area.
Check out this amazing Cockblock Snowboard we had made for surfing the ice dunes.
Even in the cold snow Cockblock will catch you!
What you guys think?
Well, well, well, look what the metaphorical cat dragged in: another hot, heapin’ helpin’ of life advice from “ya boi” Cockblock, the hip rooster guy here to make your life super fly, one dope-ass rhyme at a time. Believe it.
Now dear reader(s??), you know what really grinds my figurative gears? (“No, we don’t know, but we’d love to be humbled by your luscious, throbbing frustrations, Cocky-B!” – You) When suckers are bumbling all over social media like they don’t know what a damn hashtag is. When a pea-brained buffoon tweets about brunch and doesn’t even include a TwitPic link to that delectable eggs benedict he’s ravin’ about, like it’s the end-all-be-all of eggs benedict and I’m a lesser man for not being there while he gently pricks the yolk as it drizzles down the sides of a perfectly toasted English muffin, lightly blackened like a Cockney chimneysweep’s soot-stained cheeks and crisp as a spring morning, but he still can’t be bothered to take a damn photo. Consider my gears ground the fuck down, also Cockblock may have skipped lunch today.
So with that in mind, I’d like to run over some of the…
TIP 1: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING
What up, boo? You’re in line at the UPS Store and it’s taking unfathomably long for that old-ass Armenian woman to mail that box of “I could give a shits” to “Wherever The Fuck, USA”? Why are you tellin’ me about it and not everyone else on the Internet? Here’s the 411, hon: the Old Internet Gods awoke from their millennia-long slumber to bless us with Tweeters, FaceBorks, and so ons and so forths so that we, their humble servants, can fuel their apocalyptic powers by talking incessantly about our day-to-day lives on the Blogosphere. So every time you just think the phrase
“Could this line be any slower? #sigh”
instead of tweeting that shiz, that’s wasted energy that could be spent pleasing the online gods… ushering the many-tentacled return of T’weet D’ek, Consumer Of Souls And Implied Eye-Rolls, Also Herald To The End Of All-Times. Mwah hahaha..eh…
Also, isn’t the UPS Store just the worst? #tellmeaboutit
TIP 2: THERE’S NO FACE BUT DUCK FACE
A peacock doesn’t have that a-ma-zing plumage so they can be all hiding it, acting meek and self-conscious, so why aren’t you puckering your lips like the goddamn Ugly Duckling every time you snap a selfie in the bathroom mirror? Trill talk: there ain’t no modesty on the Internet – hell, it’s pretty much the modern day Sodom and Gomorrah, amirite fellas? This guy knows what I’m talkin’ about — so pout them luscious lips, squeeze them teats together, show off that six-pack, bend over like you lost a contact lens, and watch your FaceBarg friend count rise higher than the state of Colorado. #kindoftopicaljoke #weed420dankpotsmoke #rememberwhenthathappened
TIP 3: GRAM LIKE NO ONE’S WATCHING
Hey. Hey pal. We, uh, we noticed that your Instantgram account is lookin’ pretty sparse. Lookin’ pretty bone dry. Like a bone stranded in the desert, parched from thirst, and without a canteen-full of life-giving liquid to slake its bony thirst. What we’re getting at is, your phone has way too many freaking cameras on it, and you can’t even be bothered to tweet a sepia-filtered photo of your feet standing over an empty Pabst can with a #citylife hashtag after it? It’s a damn universal fact that if you didn’t upload a snapshot of it to your social network, it never happened, so you’re literally living in an empty void of inactivity for every waking moment you’re not snapping pseudo-Polaroids with your smartphone. #truthbombs
Phew, all that advice-giving’s got me plum tuckered. Tuckered as a plum, I tell you what. But if you want to be the Crowned GodKing of Social Media – and #whodoesnt? — just remember Cockblock’s Top-O’-The-Line Twitter Tips and you will soon be the master of your own damn destiny…in 140 characters or less.
Until next time, Cockbros!
Hey Guys, If you were wondering where we have been you should know that Cockblock was doing some moving of headquarters in his personal life. Sorry I been a little low on meaty updates. But hey check it out we finally got the intro section own our little story up on the site. Read it up to learn more about what cockblock is and why it is awesome. We were planning on making a short comic on this one in the future too but you can get the story summary here.
Check it out in the ABOUT section or hey! just read it here:
Story of Cockblock
Once upon a time there lived an evil shaman named THE STITCH. The Stitch was a lonely an bitter man who lived who hated all forms of love especially in people. He would toil the world disgusted by the bonds of humanity and the relationships formed by it. He also hated babies. :O
The Stitch despised humanity so much that he sought to end their futile bonds together. Using his cryptic voodoo magics he created a horrifying fetish. The Fetish’s one purpose was to stop and halt all forms of human bonding.
His plan initially failed, The fetish was hideous and frightening and could not get close enough to people for its lonely powers to work.
But then his second plan came into play. Using deceptive magics the Stitch transformed the fetish into harmless inviting chicken dolls to be loved and cuddled by all. The cursed toys would infiltrate the desires of people and destroy their goals. He then named his creation THE COCKBLOCK.
Things were all going according to plan. The Stitch created hundreds of Cockblock Dolls and unleashed them on the unsuspecting humanity. It was great and really awesome, but the smoothness of the plan was only short-lived. The Stitch eventually grew arrogant and careless in his ways. One day the Stitch was crafting a new wave of Cockblock monsters when a terrible accident took place. The result mutated one of his Cockblocks into a humanoid abomination of toy and man. This Cockblock had a conscience and was much wiser his Cockblock brethren.
The Mutant Cockblock witnessed how his fellow Cockblocks were being utilized and was appalled. In his rage he attacked The Stitch with all his might, rescued the remaining Cockblock Dolls, and fled from The Stitch’s fortress of doom.
Now THE MIGHTY COCKBLOCK lives as a fugitive who stands for the opposite of what the Stitch represents. He travels the lands to undo the horrors The Stitch has done by bringing people together though love, desire and fun. The Mighty Cockblock is accompanied by his fellow rescued Cockblock dolls who have also forsaken there dark oaths and together they will bring love and happiness to everyone they encounter. But The Stitch is not far behind. With his army of evil Cockblocks he is hunting Mighty down to destroy him.
…
Now you know the story and when the day comes when you encounter these two dueling entities you must make a choice. Do you stand for the joys of love and friends, or the serenity of isolation. How will you use your Cockblock?
Stay Tuned for more Cockblock content in the future thanks guys!
In preparation for our artshow, The Method Makers Collective has created a quick documentary on our Artist Stitchmind watch as he Drunkenly Rambles on about Cockblock:
Stitchmind & The Method Makers Presents: Cockblock
Don’t Forget The Artshow is next week at Hotel Des Arts.
What do we have here?! Looks like The Cockblocks will be having a little artshow in San Francisco. How exciting!
Local Art collective The Method Makers will be hosting a little party at the Hotel Des Arts to celebrate Cockblock and all its cheer. The gallery will feature brand new artwork and Cockblocks aplenty. While it will be up a few months for all to walk in and see. We will be having a daytime reception on Sat. Jan 26th from 2-5.
you can RSVP on facebook here
Come and see some great Cockblock fun and get special Cockblock goodies! hope to see you there.
Happy Holidays from Mighty Cockblock. I’m here to lay down what’s up in this hoohaa.
So our year is ending and the next one has begun. Its been ten months of Cockblock blogging fun and its been great. Running a blog is harder then I thought, but these days what isnt right? There are still a lot of holes in the blog but we will get those calked up next year. So far however I must give a big thanks to all the readers who have been enjoying Cockblock.
And hey thanks to everyone who went and purchased a magical Cockblock Doll of your very own. We got a lot more orders then expected this year and as such some of you guys are waiting for your Cockblocks right this very moment with livid impatient hands. Hold tight because they are on their way!
We are pretty much out of the super rare limited edition brown ones too. The bad news is that this means I gotta take them off the website for order. If you want a brown one we still got some left but your gonna have to get them at the shows in person. The good news is we got lots more Cockblock magic planned up ahead so don’t miss out.
So thanks for the support! I am happy as a clam in jam and its great to not be bankrupt for 2012. See you guys next year!
Whaddaya say, my roosterific compadres and fine feathered friends. Guess who’s dropped down from heaven on high to slather some steaming, sensual Relationship Schmear ™ on that broke ass bagel you call your love life? Me! Cockblock. It’s me, Cockblock, I’m back. Hello!
So, hey, let’s spit some real-real on the real really quick, for real: human interaction is hellllla lame. Like, making eye contact? Shaking hands? Engaging in small talk about jobs and apartments and the economy and whatnot in hopes of eventually stumbling on a conversational subject that doesn’t remind you of the terrible lingering inevitability that awaits us all at the end of our LifeQuest?
To quote a terrible person circa 1995: puh-leeze!
Heartfelt emotional conversations are so over. Now we have smartphones, bee-yooootch!
DO: MAKE A PROFILE ON EVERY SINGLE DATING WEBSITE EVER
OkCupid? Of course, stupid! J-Date? Why wait?! RedneckAndSingle? Quit ackin’ like you ain’t ready to mingle!
Look at it this way: if you were going fishing, would you have a better chance of catching a sexy-ass trout if you cast just one fishing line, or, like, eighty?! That’s a trick question, “playa” in ironic quotation marks – you ain’t gonna get you none if you don’t dangle yourself out there first and foremost. White and waspy? What’s stopping you from logging onto BlackPeopleMeet and tracking down the Nubian king of your dreams? Nothing. Nothing is stopping you except for your dated views on race relations. It’s 2012, sucka. We have a Samoan guy in the White House (I think??). Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson enjoys a multi-faceted and storied career in entertainment media. Racism has been done for, like, ever.
You racist.
DON’T: TRY TOO HARD
Nobody likes a square, and there’s nothing more geometrically resembling a square than acting like you’re actually interested in building a relationship with someone you’ve met on the Internet. Some fine-ass shawty just digitally wink at you? Pshhhshhsh; play it cool, son. Wait a full month before responding and even then, who’s to say you’re gonna call her by the right name? Not this guy, who’s telling you to do the exact opposite are you even listening to me dogg for real.
Women love a bit of mysteriousness in their would-be-suitors (citation: the honeys in my bed right now aw hell naww) so be more Batman than Bruce Wayne and watch the chickadees pile up, ya dig, dogg?
DO: PHOTOSHOP THE HELL OUT OF YOUR PICTURES
Oh hey, nice angled MySpace selfie you took in your tiny ass bathroom mirror.
“NOT!” Haha, good one, Cockblock!
Think of it this way, friend-o: if Burger King ran realistic photos of their slimy-ass cowstacks on billboards, how many Whoppers do you think they’d sell? Probably a whole lot because Whoppers are effin’ DELICIOUS but that’s totes beside the point.
Everyone has the same dating profile pics – at a bar with friends, outdoors at some scenic landmark or other, bawling openly while questioning the meaning of it all, at a bar with friends – but how many purported pick-up artists have shots of them pile-driving a dinosaur? It’s a market just waiting to be filled.
DON’T: OVERTHINK IT
Get your listening ears out, because ol’ Cocky-B is about to lay the truth out flat like a pancake or maybe a nice duvet. Or a rug? Yeah. A sick-ass oriental rug. Classy as hell in here.
Lads and ladies aren’t crazy about a turkey that tries too hard. OkCupid may be asking for “essays,” but that don’t mean you need to be scripting theses about your formative years growing up in some dumb- ass suburbia in South Dontmatternone. Give them the quick sell, like you walkin’-and-talkin’ in an Aaron Sorkin movie – razzle and dazzle them – then let them get really bored with the real you much later on. There’s a million fish in the sea, but trust me — none of them want to hear about your political views. Oh please, I’d love to hear about how you signed that medical marijuana petition back in ’09. TELL ME MORE, FREE-THINKER.
SO IN CONCLUSION
Get out there, get at them, and get gone the next day before it gets awkward and they’re asking you about “the future.” What does that even mean, “the future.” I don’t know, maybe we’ll be living in space colonies. Like I’m a damn psychic or something.
Anyway, until next time ‘round, muchachos!
The winter season is in full force but me and the Cockblocks got something special planed up for next year in our favorite overpriced frozen wonderland: San Francisco!
Word is our evil upstairs management Stitchmind Artworks has sent us to meet up with the Method Makers; a hardcore and awesome art collective that focuses on San Francisco creative talent.
Were working out the fixings right now but check back soon and maybe I will have some exciting news! Either that or maybe I will just have another wallpaper for you guys…
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