Good morrow, my cock-a-doodle-dudes and dudettes. You might be wondering what I’ve been doing lately instead of hooking you up with street-savvy lifehacks to help you get on the Superhighway To Success. Well the answer is, “your mom!” Haha, I’ve been having a lot of sexual relations with your mom. I’m very serious about it. She’s a lovely woman.
But let’s slap that shiz on the backburner and talk about a much more pressing matter. You may have heard that the Presidemocatic electionships are right around the corner, and both the lib-o-trons and the conserve-o-bots are clawing at each other’s throats like bloodthirsty badgers fighting over badger issues and matters and such that pertain mostly to badgers. So, your old pal Cockblock is gonna lay down some uber-helpful advice to help you make the right decision for your country.
But what’s most importantly, we’re gonna get you laaaaaid.
STEP 1: PICK A SIDE
Brock Alabama? Matt Rodney? Man, what are you even talking about, dogg?? The real political elite only pick their presidential hopefuls based on one thing and one thing only: the honeys. Are you more into them down-home, boot-scootin’, Budweiser-drinkin’ cowgirls or them well-read, arty-farty, vegan scone-eatin’ progressive-or-whatever liber-bros? “Pick a side and take it in stride,” as my comedic but very honest bumper sticker says.
Pro-tip: If STEP ONE proves confusing we’d recommend flipping a coin or learning the ability to make VERY SIMPLE DECISIONS. We’re not even at step two and you’re already confused? Shoot we’re gonna be here all day.
STEP 2: BLOG ABOUT IT
Look, ladies and lads: anyone who’s anyone (and even a lot of people who aren’t) are on that blog-o-sphere, filling the Internet with their big dumb views about big dumb issues #tellemcockblock #sotrue. A blog is a free and easy way to show some very available sweeties that you’re, like, really passionate about climate control and/or gun control, or maybe Parks and Recreations and Dr. Who gifs. And take it from the CB: nothing says “I’m an opinion that should be respected” like a LOLcat overlaid with your thoughts on planned parenthood. “I can haz teh rite 2 choose??” Damn straight, shawty!
STEP 3: TAKE IT TO THE STREETS
There’s literally (LITERALLY) no better place to meet a like-minded single that’s ready to mingle than on the campaign trail. And nothing (NOTHING) is sexier than strategically placed campaign pins. “Oh, is it cold in here or should you, like, seriously consider voting and oh geez I’m just popping out of this tube-top??” They’re gonna be calling you “Watergate” from all the moistness you’ll be workin’ in that room, grrrrrrl.
STEP 4 (OPTIONAL): VOTE??
I mean, if you’re into that? And you’re not completely drained from all the hot political sex that’s been seeping from your pores leading up to election day. I mean, honestly, if you haven’t had at least one global warming-inspired threesome than you obviously didn’t follow steps one through three and I’m kind of bummed out that I wasted my time on you. Like I don’t have things to do, pshh. Cockblock could’ve been learning Mandarin. Ackin’ like I don’t wanna learn Mandarin or something.
But to the rest of you: enjoy your newfound sexual politiconfidence, and I’ll catch you down the dusty trail, y’all!
PEACE.
